Grandmother for Hire: Postpartum Doulas Ease Transition to Parenthood

Written by Tara Leonard

For nine months, prospective parents imagine a cherubic baby, sleeping soundly while they visit with admiring well-wishes. Then reality strikes. Suddenly mom and dad are up all night with a crying baby. Every time they try to nap the phone or doorbell rings. The laundry piles up, the house is a mess, and neither exhausted parent has a clue how to bathe a newborn. Meanwhile grandma, who flew all the way from Pittsburgh to help, can only cook fried chicken, has an aversion to dirty diapers and can't imagine why anyone would want to breastfeed when formula was just fine for her children (although, Lord knows, she doesn't mean to criticize.)

Enter the postpartum doula, a new mother's best friend, baby nurse, chef and therapist, all wrapped up in one helpful, nonjudgmental package. Do you need her to cook a healthy meal? No problem. Having trouble breastfeeding? She knows all the tricks. Desperate for a nap? She'll be more than happy to burp and change the baby. Postpartum doulas will also help with older siblings, handle light housework, demonstrate basic infant care and nurture the entire, growing family.

"I'm completely there for the mom," says Luzita Davila, a postpartum doula for the past 15 years. "In days gone by and in other cultures, a postpartum doula's job wouldn't even exist because the villagers, the aunties, would come in and do this. Now your mother works or she lives across the country or she's ill. There are all sorts of reasons why it may not work and that's where I come in."

"Calling our friends who have 50 million things going on in their lives doesn't work," says Tari Neill, director of the Birthwise Doula Training Program at Twin Lakes College of the Healing Arts. "A lot is going on in the first six weeks (after birth) and culturally we haven't set it up for women who need that kind of care."

Many people know about birth doulas, who support women before, during, and just after childbirth. Postpartum doulas are a newer concept, according to Hannah Railing, the Western Pacific Regional US Director for DONA International, originally Doulas of North America. "More people are beginning to recognize the importance of continuity of care," Railing says. "Women need the same kind of support they had during birth after they get home. We're trying to allow the mother to bond with her baby instead of doing housework or running errands. We mother the mother so she can mother the baby."

"Many women are using different styles of child-rearing than their parents used, "adds Salle Webber. A petite woman with long silver hair and a warm smile, Webber has been a postpartum doula in Santa Cruz County for more than 17 years. "Maybe they're letting the baby sleep in their bed, or picking them up whenever they cry, or making different choices about vaccines or food. Even well-meaning relatives can feel threatened or baffled. They don't know how to support the mother because it's not how they did things. So I go in with no history, no agenda beyond being in service to them and making it the best experience that it can be. My question is always, 'How do you want to do this? Let's do it your way.' If they want my suggestions I will give them, but my job is to support their choices."

Webber's calm energy and gentle advice were invaluable to Stacey Hendren and her husband Nick of Ben Lomond after the birth of their second child, Mae, in June. While friends and family were a great help when they visited, they couldn't provide the consistent, everyday support that a postpartum doula offers.

"That's been a huge deal for me, accepting help," Hendren admits. "I remember with my son Jack feeling like even with a newborn and recovering from a C-section, if I didn't have the house spotless when people came to visit then I was failing as a new mother. What I'm realizing this time is that to ask for help, and to accept it, is actually a sign of strength, of self-caring that sometimes we just let slip away."

"Women think they can do everything themselves," agrees Jenny Bogomilski, whose daughter had just turned 2 when her son was born this past February. "That first time, I didn't have a lot of help and it was hard. This time, I felt kind of weird calling a stranger, but as soon as I met Luzita, I knew it was what I needed. Every cent was worth it because she made the transition so much easier for all of us."

Admittedly, at $20-$25 an hour, those cents can add up quickly. To ensure a positive experience, get referrals from your doctor, midwife or other satisfied parent. Interview several potential doulas well in advance of your due date. Discuss your philosophy of parenting, what you think you will need in terms of family support, and how long you expect the relationship to last.

"I have a three-month limit," Webber says. "Otherwise people say, 'Be our nanny forever' and that's not my job. By then, the woman has regained her power. She's healed physically, she has her energy back and she's ready to be in charge."

Until then, a doula can help transform a postpartum period from something parents simply survive into something the whole family finds joyful and profound.

"Part of my job is helping mothers notice the magic of babies," Webber says with a smile. "I'm always reminding them of how incredible it is and how fleeting."

This article first appeared in Santa Cruz Magazine, Winter 2006.

Set as favorite

Bookmark

Email this

Trackback(0)

TrackBack URI for this entry